Category Archives: humour

You know you’re a new mum…part 2

I know I’m not such a new mum any more, but I’ve been far too busy / scatty to update this for a while and wanted to get some more down before I forget what it’s been like. The time passes so quickly yet so slowly. I can’t picture my son as a newborn in a Moses basket any more and nearly cried when I found one of his tiny little cardigans in the cupboard under the stairs, yet I feel like I’ve had him forever. Anyhow, you may or may not recognise some of these points;

  • Your husband / boyfriend tells you he hasn’t gone this long without sex in his entire life before (apart from before he lost his virginity)
  • When song lyrics start to become about your baby, instead of your husband / boyfriend / crush
  • When you spend more time with the cast of the Real Housewives of Orange County and Two and a Half Men than actual real adults.
  • When your trip out is delayed by a member of your party vomiting or leaking yellow poo on their clothes.
  • When you’ll regularly use words like ‘perinium’, ‘tearing’, and ‘destroyed’ to people you don’t know very well.
  • When you snigger internally at pregnant friends who mention their plans to breathe through the pain
  • When you get to know other mums as ‘X’s mum’ instead of by their own name
  • When you’re convinced that either (a) breast milk doesn’t smell or (b) you’ve got so used to it that you’re unaware that you and your house smell like an explosion in a dairy on a hot day
  • When you realise that eating hot food at the same time as your husband / boyfriend / partner is now a distant memory, as is chewing said food
  • When you bought belly warmers (huge pants) to wear in hospital but are still wearing them as they’re so comfy and cover your stomach
  • When you don’t believe in using dummies or infacol until the third consecutive evening of incessant crying
  • When you have acne for the first time in decades (just me?)
  • When you have mastered breastfeeding while texting / typing / reading / eating / playing Cupcake Mania
  • You have notes on your phone under ‘blog’ such as ‘birth nightie’ and it takes you several days to work out what they mean.  This note was about a shopping trip to Primark that I had taken while pregnant in order to buy a nightie to give birth in that would allow me to unbutton immediately after for skin to skin contact.  (In reality, the nightie didn’t make it out of the bag pre-birth).  I was with my husband, Freddy, looking at nightshirts and saying to him that I thought this particular one was too short and would flash my foof if I bent forward.  A lady with a small baby gave me a knowing glance and said ‘You won’t care what anyone sees by then’.  At the time I really could not imagine a scenario in which I wouldn’t care what I looked like and whether strangers saw my vagina.  Oh, they were optimistic times back then.





Another not-so-good thing about breastfeeding is sometimes I would like a FUCKING MASSIVE glass of wine when things really get too much.

Such as;

Other mums

My baby crying for another feed when he’s just finished one.  Why not drink more in the first place?

Having no money

Other people having money when I don’t

People asking if we’re going to have another baby.  I’ve only just had one, I hated being pregnant and have only managed to have sex once since.  Plus I can’t afford two lots of childcare,  but can’t afford to wait till my son gets his funded nursery nurse place as I’m too old,  and there’s no family who can help us out with childcare.



It may have become apparent from my first post that I’m breastfeeding my baby.  It’s pretty likely that I’ll be making further references to breastfeeding in my future posts (as I spend roughly 2 hours and 2 minutes a day doing it, according to the breastfeeding app on my I-pod, which generates fascinating statistics and graphs on my feeding shenanigans).  This doesn’t mean that I assume everyone who is a new mum is doing it.  We all know the reasons why ‘breast is best’- passing on immunity, the baby being protected against diabetes in later life, getting back in shape faster, it’s free etc.

I’ve been lucky enough to be able to breastfeed my baby in that I produce lots of milk (if I was more enterprising I’m sure I could make money from it) and my husband was able to take the first month off work, allowing me to do nothing for the first couple of weeks but change my share of colourful nappies and whack the baby onto my boob, I can, however, completely understand how lots of women are unable to do it or make the choice not to.

There are lots of pros and cons of breastfeeding.  Perhaps it would be more apt to talk about things that ‘rock’ and ‘suck’ – see what I did there?  It’s my best effort considering the sleep deprivation and the hours of singing ‘He’s a baby! He’s a baby!’ Shooting Stars style and other inane things to while away the days and pacify / entertain / rouse my lively little man.

Said little man has just woken up and started to cry so I’ll continue this at a later date …



You know you’re a new mum when …

  • It’s a Saturday night, you have vomit in your hair and it’s not your own
  • Burps and farts are considered a great achievement
  • You fondly remember the days when leaving the house was a simple procedure
  • Clothes are chosen for their ability to conceal your stomach whilst allowing speedy access to your breasts
  • You find yourself customising songs to apply to the baby – Let me take you to the (baby) cafe by Electric Six anyone?
  • Your husband overhears you on the baby monitor saying ‘show your bummy to the mummy’
  • When ‘titty time’ is not for your husband / boyfriend / lover any more
  • You find yourself giving updates on the state of your vagina to people you’ve only recently met
  • You can’t envisage being able to ‘nip’ anywhere again
  • When Lansinoh and Infacol are your most precious possessions
  • When your getting ready routine is reduced to two things – being clean and wearing clothes
  • When stacking the dishwasher and replying to a text take all day